I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Verdict: uncircumcised.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
