connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
