We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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