I need to stop coming to work sober
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
