I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
