i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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