You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
