dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
