I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
