i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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