We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think your dad took our porno
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
