I murdered the dance floor call the cops
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Randomize
