He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
