Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
