im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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