They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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