you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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