be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
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i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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