if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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