You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just want to make out with him forever
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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