My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
