did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
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Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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