It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
No I am not eating basil off your cock
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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