I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
