Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
