listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
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