the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
