your parents love me but you hate me
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
