is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
