You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
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the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
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DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
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