i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
