Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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