She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
