I could have mohawked her pubes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
