It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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