Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
