Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.