Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
