how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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