I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
