i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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