im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
