I smell stomach acid.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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