I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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