The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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