The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
