i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
