First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
