She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
