Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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