She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
