I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
