if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
