She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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