you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize