a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
