wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I have tasted many bathrooms
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
