i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
