Banned from zoo.
Again?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
