This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
