tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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