You're a womanizer and a bitch.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
