my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
