everyone is single if you try hard enough
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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