So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
