my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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