A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
